More like fools-au-vent

The September 2009 Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Steph of A Whisk and a Spoon. She chose the French treat, Vols-au-Vent based on the Puff Pastry recipe by Michel Richard from the cookbook Baking With Julia by Dorie Greenspan.

Let me tell you something: this pastry is delicious and that is because it's 1033% butter and -235% flour. Those are bakers percentages; you wouldn't understand it if I tried to explain it to you. Read a book! Why do I even bother talking to you?

Anyway, I am bad at making things right, so the puff pastry round ont he bottom puffed up but the rings of the vols-au-vent barely rose at all. They were the anti-Jesus if you catch my drift (my drift is about Jesus). I filled some of the pastries with a layer of caramel topped with custard and then a heaping helping of freshly picked apples. The others were filled with a homemade chicken salad. I went a little heavy on the mayo, unfortunately. I am a chicken salad idiot and I deserved your scorn.

Just FYI, Pemberley is going to take the reigns on the October Daring Bakers challenge. I will be "away." Euphemisms!

August Daring Bakers: Hungarians Did What?

The August 2009 Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Angela of A Spoonful
of Sugar and Lorraine of Not Quite Nigella. They chose the spectacular Dobos
Torte based on a recipe from Rick Rodgers' cookbook Kaffeehaus: Exquisite
Desserts from the Classic Caffés of Vienna, Budapest, and Prague.

Okay, so I needed to put that above paragraph to stay in the Daring Bakers Challenge blogroll. But I'm not going to lie to you, Tom, I'm not a fan of this particular cake. It's an old Hangarian recipe, and we all know Hungarians are good for one thing and one thing only: dancing. They are all the finest dancers in the world. No one disputes that and no one ever will. But please don't ask them to make a layer cake. Maybe I'm a terrible baker (I'm not) and maybe I can't follow a recipe (I can) and maybe I can't make a cake look good to save my live (I can't), but this cake was aggressively bleh. I have never before had a cake batter that was unappetizing. The cooked cake wasn't much better. The frosting was too buttery and the caramel was too lemony and stick-to-your-teethy. But what can you do? I'm glad I tried it and the process was interesting enough.



And it's good to see Pemberley pulling her weight around her. Or sort of. 4:1 post ratio? Where's the hustle?

Cakes made of cheese

What do you do when a lady says, "It is my birthday. Make me a cheesecake, and nothing fancy. Just plain cheesecake." You say, "Listen, lady, get me a time machine because you need to make cheesecake a day ahead, as the cooling process is long and delicate." Then you disappear into thin air because you are a magician.

But I am not a magician so I made a cheesecake recipe I saw on Daring Bakers a couple of months ago. Was it good? I don't know. I am not a cheesecake dude. I will tell you I made my own graham cracker for the crust and threw together some chocolate sauce. As you can tell, the crust is way too think at the 90 angle. I ALWAYS DO THAT. I am not good at crust thickness. It is a weakness for which the course has never been corrected.

Abbey's Infamous Cheesecake:

Crust:
2 cups / 180 g graham cracker crumbs
1 stick / 4 oz butter, melted
2 tbsp. / 24 g sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Cheesecake Filling:
3 sticks of cream cheese, 8 oz each (total of 24 oz) room temperature
1 cup / 210 g sugar
3 large eggs
1 cup / 8 oz heavy cream
1 tbsp. lemon juice
1 tbsp. vanilla extract (or the innards of a vanilla bean)
1 tbsp liqueur, optional, but choose what will work well with your cheesecake ( I opted not to add this)

DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Begin to boil a large pot of water for the water bath.

2. Mix together the crust ingredients and press into your preferred pan. You can press the crust just into the bottom, or up the sides of the pan too - baker's choice. Set crust aside.

3. Combine cream cheese and sugar in the bowl of a stand-mixer (or in a large bowl if using a hand-mixer) and cream together until smooth. Add eggs, one at a time, fully incorporating each before adding the next. Make sure to scrape down the bowl in between each egg. Add heavy cream, vanilla, lemon juice, and alcohol and blend until smooth and creamy.

4. Pour batter into prepared crust and tap the pan on the counter a few times to bring all air bubbles to the surface. Place pan into a larger pan and pour boiling water into the larger pan until halfway up the side of the cheesecake pan. If cheesecake pan is not airtight, cover bottom securely with foil before adding water.

5. Bake 45 to 55 minutes, until it is almost done - this can be hard to judge, but you're looking for the cake to hold together, but still have a lot of jiggle to it in the center. You don't want it to be completely firm at this stage. Close the oven door, turn the heat off, and let rest in the cooling oven for one hour. This lets the cake finish cooking and cool down gently enough so that it won't crack on the top. After one hour, remove cheesecake from oven and lift carefully out of water bath. Let it finish cooling on the counter, and then cover and put in the fridge to chill. Once fully chilled, it is ready to serve.

Pan note: The creator of this recipe used to use a springform pan, but no matter how well she wrapped the thing in tin foil, water would always seep in and make the crust soggy. Now she uses one of those 1-use foil "casserole" shaped pans from the grocery store. They're 8 or 9 inches wide and really deep, and best of all, water-tight. When it comes time to serve, just cut the foil away.

Prep notes: While the actual making of this cheesecake is a minimal time commitment, it does need to bake for almost an hour, cool in the oven for an hour, and chill overnight before it is served. Please plan accordingly!

Homemade Graham Crackers:

1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 1/4 cups whole-wheat flour
1/2 cup light rye flour (rye flour can be found in health food stores)
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup (1 stick) cold butter, cut into pea-size bits
2 tablespoons honey
2 tablespoon molasses
1/4 cup cold water
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Graham Crackers: In a food processor or the bowl of an electric mixer, mix together the flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Add the cold butter and mix or process until the mixture resembles coarse meal. Add the honey, molasses, water, and vanilla. Mix until the dough comes together in a ball.

Between 2 sheets of waxed paper or plastic wrap, roll the dough 1/2-inch thick. Chill for 1 hour, until firm. Set a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F. Lightly flour the dough and roll 1/8-inch thick. With a sharp knife or cookie cutter, cut into 2-inch squares. Arrange the crackers on nonstick or parchment lined cookie sheets. With a fork, prick several holes in each cracker. Bake for 15 minutes, until lightly browned at the edges. Remove from the oven and let cool in the pan.

Yield: 48 crackers

The Best Chocolate Sauce

1 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup light corn syrup
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (preferably Dutch-processed)
2 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, finely chopped

1. In a medium saucepan, whisk together the water, sugar, corn syrup, and cocoa powder.
2. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Once it's just begun to simmer and boil, remove from heat and stir in the chopped chocolate until melted.

Serving: You should let the Chocolate Sauce stand for a few hours before serving, which will give it time to thicken a bit.

Storage: Store the chocolate sauce in a covered container in the refrigerator for up to 10 days. Rewarm before serving.

Hector Lavoe wants you to dance

Seltzer? Salsa? I made salsa? Yes. The answer is yes. I like salsa sweet, so I use lots of fruit. This bad boy also has a kick, so do not come with the mild jazz because I will reject you and tell you to get out of my house.

Salsa
1 medium onion, diced
5 cloves garlic
1 small shallot, diced
1 nectarine, pitted and cut in large pieces
4 plum tomatoes, seeded and cut in quarters
1 heirloom tomato, seeded and cut in quarters
1 poblano pepper, halved
1 28 oz can Colavita crushed tomatoes
1 champagne mango
1 kiwi, peeled
1 scotch bonnet pepper, seeded
5 Thai hot peppers, stemmed
1 lime

1. In a large skillet, heat olive oil over medium and add onion. After a couple of minutes, add 3 cloves minced garlic and shallot. After a few more minutes, add the nectarine and mango. After the fruit has softened slightly, add the tomatoes and half of the poblano pepper, which you damn better well have chopped. After everything has softened, remove from heat and let cool.

2. In a large food processor bowl, add the peeled and sliced kiwi, seeded scotch bonnet, Thai hot peppers, juice from the lime and the can of crushed tomatoes. Add the cooled contents of the skillet and let the processor go until salsa is like a thick smoothie.

Let cool in the fridge or eat right away.

I am a failure.

You know how they say that when life gives you overripe bananas, go punch yourself in the face-ade? Well that's what I did. But instead of punching myself in the face, I tried to make two Baking Bites recipes. One was a marbled banana bundt cake and the other peanut butter banana cookies. I say "tried" because I failed. I have no one to blame but myself and my STUPID BUNDT PAN. Hey bundt pan, go pound some tar. I hate you and your stupid bundt face and I wish you were never my bundt pan. In fact, you're adopted. Yeah, my sister didn't want you because she got a new, better bundt pan and gave me her old one. YOU ARE SO OLD AND STUPID.

Anyway, the cake was delightfully moist. Yet despite my usual kickass greasing job, only half the cake came out of the pan, causing a seismic rift in the cake's bundty heart. It's like LA after the big one hits except with a more delicate crumb. Take a look at this bad boy:



And then the cookies. I added chocolate chips because banana and peanut butter and chocolate give me the strength of Batman and the intelligence of Superman. How is that even possible? My doctor tells me genetic mutation, which is why he told me not to eat chocolate and banana and peanut butter. Anyway, I'm sure the recipe is fine, but I overcooked them a bit, so they turned out on the dry side.

I am a bad person.

Both recipes courtesy of Baking Bites:

Marbled Banana Bundt Cake
1/2 cup butter, room temperature
1 1/2 cups sugar
3 large eggs
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
3 ripe, medium bananas, mashed (about 1 cup)
2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup sour cream (low fat is fine)
1/4 cup cocoa powder, sifted

Preheat oven to 350F and lightly grease a 12-cup bundt pan (12-inch diameter).
In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until light. Beat in the eggs one by one, waiting until each has been incorporated to add the next. Beat in vanilla extract and mashed bananas.
In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add half of the flour mixture to the butter mix and stir to combine. Add in the sour cream, followed by the remaining flour mixture.
Remove 1 1/2 cups of batter into a small bowl and stir in cocoa powder.
Pour 2/3 of the plain batter into the prepared bundt pan, top with cocoa batter and spoon the rest of the plain batter on top. Run a knife through the batter gently to swirl.
Bake for 45-55 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean and the top springs back when lightly pressed.
Turn cake out onto a wire rack to cool completely before slicing.

Serve plain, or dusted with powdered sugar.

Serves 12-16.

Peanut Butter Banana Oatmeal Cookies

1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
2 tbsp butter, room temperature
1 large egg
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup mashed banana (from 1 sm/med)
1 1/2 cups quick-cooking rolled oats (not instant)
1/2 c. chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.
In a large bowl, cream together sugars and butter. Beat in egg until smooth, then mix in the peanut butter and mashed banana. Working by hand or with a mixer on low speed, blend dry ingredients into the peanut butter mixture. Stir in the oats.

Shape dough into tablespoons and place on baking sheet, flattening each slightly with your fingers.
Bake for 10-12 minutes, until cookies just begin to turn golden around the edges.
Cool on a wire rack.

Makes approx 2 dozen.